Priscilla, Drag Queen of the Nebula

By William Gauvin

Liam awoke. He was definitely going to have to give up the drink, and perhaps the beans too. He felt his head was throbbing a thousand times per minute, and his mouth was in a dire need of a toothbrush.

Liam looked around at his surroundings. As usual, he had awoken in a neat little 6-foot by 6-foot cell, but not the usual local authority type cell. It was most definitely time for him to give up drinking, he thought. The last thing he could remember was drinking at the Rainbow Nebula Bar with Joe, and now he was here, wherever here was.

The cell was ‘open' on one side, but Liam knew that there would have been a force field to stop him trying to escape. Not that escaping would do him any good, as he most certainly needed to know where he was in order to plan his escape.

“Ah, you're awake”, said a feminine voice from across the hall. Liam looked around and was taken aback to discover that the speaker in the opposite cell was a drag queen. Liam replied with a hello.

“I am Princess Priscilla, and you are?” asked the drag queen.

“Err... Liam James” was all Liam could utter.

Priscilla replied, “Honey, I don't have to remind you, but you are in the presence of royalty here, and your etiquette...” She paused to find the right words, then continued, saying, “...is lacking some standards, especially in dealing with royalty”.

Liam faked a cough jokingly. Surely that ‘thing’ over there was not expecting him to believe that it was of Royal blood? She was wearing last night's wig - and that was all frizzed up - with long dangling silver earrings and make up that looked like it had been applied with a cement trowel. Her appearance suggested that she had taken one too many drugs the night before. Now she was expecting Liam to call her Princess, or Your Royal Highness? She had to be joking!

“You don't believe me do you, girlfriend?”

Liam replied rather sternly, “Honestly no. And, well, you are nothing compared to the problems I am dealing with at the moment. So if you could just be quiet for a minute, I will be able to sort out how to get out of here.”

“Girlfriend's got an attitude problem, I see. Well darling, the bad news is I have been here for two nights and there is no way out of here. Anyway, soon my Daddy will be paying the ransom and I will be out of here.”

Liam couldn't believe his stupid luck. What more could a drunken fool wake up to? Perhaps she would be able to provide some help with the situation, though. If he knew where he was being held, and who had him locked up, he might be able to work out an escape plan. “Firstly, I am not your girlfriend. In fact, I have never had a girlfriend. Secondly, Priscilla, I want to know what you know about our captors.”

Priscilla swished around, with her long cape following, turning her back to Liam. “Look, girlfriend, I can call you whatever you want. I am soon to be a Queen. And well, don't you think that I have wanted to get out of here myself? All I know is that we're on a ship.”

Suddenly the ship jolted. Something had hit it. Both Liam and Priscilla lost their footing and fell to the ground. Then there was another jolt. Liam knew right there and then that they were under attack.

“What was...” yelled Priscilla in a deep manly voice, then quickly corrected herself into a more feminine tone of voice, “...that?”

Liam replied, “I think we are under attack. If that is your ‘Daddy’ out there, I think you can kiss this little soap opera of yours goodbye. Similarly, if that is a Commonwealth Peace Force ship, we may as well be dead too.”

There was another jolt, and the lights in the hallway between the two cells flickered. Liam reached out towards the force field. There was no time to waste! The ship had lost power and he had to see if it had reduced or killed off the force field. His hand went through where the shield should have been. “Quick! Get out now, while the force field is down!”

They still had to sort out what to do about the assault on the ship. Unless something was done, they were about to become mere atoms filling up the galaxy.

“Do you have any idea which way we're supposed to go, darling?” inquired Priscilla, “It is sort of pointless being on the right side of the cells, but on the wrong side of the hull of this ship.”

Liam was fed up with the act. He needed help finding a way out, not some drag queen harassing him. If he had wanted that, he would have stayed at the Rainbow Nebula Bar. “Look! I am fed up with you! Either help me, or shut up! Underneath that drag is a man. Become that man or get out of my face!”

With that, Priscilla took off her wig and earrings. “Is this better?” asked Priscilla in a more manly voice, “I would take off the make up but, well, we don't have time. Oh, by the way, my real name is Prince Rolan of Verga III, Prince Royal to the Throne of the Vergian Principality. Are you happy now?”

Liam was shocked. The annoying drag queen had morphed into a real prince! He felt so small. “I am sorry, Your Royal Highness, but I did not know. Perhaps I could make it up to you after this is all over?”

Prince Rolan smiled, “Are you sure? I can be quite a bitch sometimes.”.

Liam grinned, “Yes, Your Highness.”

Prince Rolan returned the smile, “You need not be so formal, my dear. The time has come to reveal that this is my own ship, and this has all been an elegant ruse to judge your worthiness.” With that, the Prince pressed a button on his dress and instructed his crew to call off the ‘attack’.

Later that night, Prince Rolan and Liam had dinner, and then shared a bed fit for a queen.